Obedience and Running

   The fall is finally starting to creep in here in sunny So Cal! Yay! The past weeks we have been studying the first four books of the Old Testament, which take you from the Beginning, to the end of the Israelites wilderness wanderings. In honor of this "Wilderness Wandering" time that the Isrealites experienced, we took a little camping trip..very fun! It definitely helped us, as a school to get into the mindset of the Isrealites who spent a substantail ammount of time wandering about in the desert!
   Here is a little of what God was teaching me as we studied the disobedience of the Isrealites, and God's relentless, loving pursuit after their hearts. Hope you enjoy, and are blessed today by the relentless love of this God who is chasing after your heart!

On the Run
   The sound is pounding in her ears, getting steadily louder and louder with every jagged inhale of breath that she gulps into her lungs. She hears it coming closer and closer, thinking it would have become more familiar and less terrifying over time. It's been a long time that she's been hearing those footsteps, too long to remember.

   Running is all she knows and the weight of shame rests heavy on her shoulders. She has run a long way, too far to see what's she's left behind, and yet- what does it matter anyway? She stopped looking back a long time ago; too much pain. You could tell her that the load she carried was big, but she was so used to carrying it. I don't know if she would believe a word. Freedom was a word she excluded from her vocabulary.

   She didn't want to look back, didn't want to slow down for fear of what she might find, but no matter how long or how hard she ran, the sound of following footsteps remained, ringing in her ears.

   All it took to get her running was one “No”. Slowing for a moment she shook her head, trying to shake free the thought of that day, and all the days before...the life she once lived, but the memories came rushing back. At the thought of what used to be and what she had run away from, shame poured in, making her feel sick. The harder she tried to block the images, the faster they came rushing in, one toppling over the next like a waterfall that had been held back and was finally being released.

   Her head hurt and her stomach knotted into a million tight knots, as the tears burned her eyes and threatened to spill over. She could still see them- his eyes. They were staring into her like he could see right through her fears and into her soul..so intense, so gentle, so comforting. So hurt. She missed those eyes.

She let herself think back, but as she thought, she picked up the pace of her running in an attempt to counteract the pain of the memories. It started with just one simple act. She knew she shouldn't have started pulling away. He told her to stay close, but she wandered, as the thoughts and fantasies lured her in...she followed one idea of her own, after another. He never stopped her, never forced, but only watched, waiting, and she could see in his eyes..his heart breaking.

   She used to love hearing him say her name as he would tell her of all the amazing things he had planned...all she could become. They would sit close together, and she would listen, loving the feeling of being in his presence. He would repeat the same stories and truths again and again, night after night, day in and day out, and He only asked one thing from her...love me.

   He had saved her from the man who terrorized her life. He brought her to a beautiful place.

The first time she turned away, it was small and he was so forgiving. But, time and again she had knowingly chosen to turn, and the love in his eyes, the forgiveness he offered, made her feel so undeserving, so vile, so ashamed. She couldn't face the thought of those eyes, and knowing she created the pain behind the gaze. It was too much, so she ran.

   The biting wind cut through her tattered sweater, jolting her back to the present. She couldn't stand it. She wished she could just run into those arms. She wished she had listened to that gentle, loving voice...her heart grew fainter and she slumped down in the snow, too tired from all the years of running away, to go on another step. Regret swept over her, and she began to weep, mourning over every lost day, every sleepless night, and all the distance her running feet had created. He seemed so far.

   Why had rebellion been so appealing? Why had shame and fear kept her from humbling herself? Why, why, why?

   Her heart ached so intensely she thought it would break. As her sobs subsided and she grew quiet, she stopped and listened. The sound was gone. She couldn't hear the sound of those familiar footsteps behind her. Her heart quickened and she lifted her head. Her heart caught in her throat, and a fresh wave of tears stung the back of her eyes.

   There he was, kneeling in front of her in the snow. The eyes were the same, so full of love, she thought she might drown if she looked into them too long...but it was wonderful. Relief flooded her as she realized that all her running hadn't stopped him from chasing her. The footsteps were his footsteps. He held out his hand and lifted up her tear streaked face. He gently whispered two familiar words, and in an instant her heart was calmed..”Love me”..He still wanted her. She was done running.